It’s December 20th and two years after I was almost killed in a drunken car accident. That is not me, I have no attachment to who that human was, but today I feel sentimental.
The pain, I can still feel it. The parts of me that null slowly away daily, the pain simply emphasizes and I remember. I remember the feeling of being alive but not being able to talk or nod my head yes or no. I remember the feeling of actually not moving, for days. I remember the IV in my arm administering this poison into my blood stream like it was good for me. The needle penetrated my skin right above my first ‘rebellious’ act as a fresh 18 year old. The ink read, “Don’t be afraid”. How ironic. Truth is I was petrified at the thought of myself and what I had just accomplished. But at the time, I couldn’t care less. The thoughts wouldn’t present themselves as an image or even a glimpse in my mind. It was filled with this venomous pharmaceutical bull shit. It was so dull, the thought of sunlight was unable resonate in my brain if I tried.
That was the most humiliating time of my life.
Awakening during the wee morning hours and desperately needed to pee. And trying to get out of bed to place my left leg on the floor, and down I went. It didn’t even merely work, it was like it was a numb limb not secured on my skeleton. Which resulted in some truth, because I had just severed my pelvis down the middle. Great. That was the height of my injuries I think, I got pretty lucky with the rest. A minor brain hemorrhage, fractured c3 in my neck, and a completely demolished clavicle as well. It is currently still looking slightly scary.
In the remembrance of this date, my heart pulls at it in a way of gratitude. Back then I never thought I would ever go as far as I have just gone, or dream of my future plans to further these grand life adventures. I am doing things, I am meeting people, authentic humans. I am a seeker of magic in every culture and in every castle there could be. I’m interested and am learning each day, as I have come to find that everyone, is your teacher. Basically every person I met in Europe taught me something. Pato taught me how to Sevillana in the street, and Lola taught me every Monday and Wednesday at 4:15 in class. The beautiful woman Esther at the organic market on Calle Zaragoza, who showed me raw patience and kindness, her memory warms my heart and reminds me to always be present with, and practice with patient kindness.
People deserve your patient kindness, if people hadn’t offered me their smirk and a thumbs up I maybe would not have had as much success as I did. No, if you’re wondering, I did not become fluent in Spanish. BUT, I did learn how to stand strong, and how to take a chance if your itinerary depends on it.
Ask the question, try. It was a game I played with myself for some time before realizing I need to shut the hell up and just – tranquila. I also learned to stop torturing myself because I think I deserve less than I do. My life is amazing and I am finally doing something with it, and I FEEL GUILTY! Yes! I thought I needed to survive through a stressful living environment for me to have a balanced life, but maybe sometimes it isn’t about the super low valleys or super high mountains. It is about the in between, the little bumps and jumps we are enduring and living through every day. I could go through 4 different moods in one day, it’s simple for us humans because we have the ability to produce. Feelings, language, ourselves. I don’t think that the harder periods of Spain for me was a low valley, or the tremendous parts a high valley either. I think that maybe shit just happens. And that’s how your life is for that time, but you have the control. Actually news flash, you can do whatever the fuck you want!!
Manifest something. Live, breathe and sleep this manifestation. Do everything so your final goal is that manifestation. Focus, center, understand. Be believing of this with every being of your soul and you will obtain it. In Spain, my main priority changed from only wanting to learn Spanish, to a ‘I think I need to reset my variables’. I now was maintaining a relationship with my new and wonderful Romanian boyfriend from time zones away. Also, my mental health was very tender and my anxiety was the culprit. I have never had more severe anxiety in my life than what I had experienced over there. It was overwhelmingly heavy, and my living environment was not cohesive for my aura, my vibration felt attacked. It is still healing, but I am conscious of it.
It was sentimental leaving Spain and leaving behind my strongest self yet. Battling internal demons in comparison to external injuries is a hell of a lot harder. But, the thing is, I knew this moment was at the end. I knew my reflection would become more valiant and I would be thankful I finally had experienced something substantial to fortify my mind.
There is something really cool about perseverance, it doesn’t ask you for anything but what you get out, is what you put in. You can either get it together or you can get packing. Learning the composition of my mind further and seeing how I did have the motivation to get up everyday, go to school and do my absolute best, do my work, and travel from country to county every weekend is presidential. I fucking killed it if those are your terms. They have kind of been adopted into my terms as well because I realized I still have a lot to do, learning wise for this wonderful language. I’m happy with my progress now, but my thirst is not quenched. I know I will be back in a Spanish speaking country again soon, practicing away. Finding those special individuals elsewhere who practice patient kindness.
Build your tribe with these people. Manifest, together! Build a framework and then work it. All the individuals I met had an intricate story, something that made them really unique. Find your truly unique characteristic and explore it. It will lead you to a story worth telling. If you’re like, “hey, a desk job, couple kids, a forced-have to-relationship, and a car that always needs parts is my type of gig” have at it sister. Do whatever you fucking want it’s up to you! But be a person who has a story to tell so you can get individuals, INTERESTED! Yes, please ask me anything! Please, tell me everything! Seek to learn more from others and in return you will learn the most about yourself. In the words of great and grand Bruce Springsteen, “talk about a dream, try to make it real”.
Get out there.
In reflection over these last two years, between healing, my travels and scattered wonderful unique experiences I’ve gathered, I have resonated most with the fact I always have the opportunity to expand my knowledge. Coming back to the United States my brain feels relaxed, and effortlessly unstimulated. I know this society! I get it, it bores me. I have realized something from popping around from place to place for basically the last 7 months. From mountainous New Hampshire to Block Island in the middle of the sea, to sunshine filled Andalusia, and all the countries I visited while living in the EU; what is very apparent is that there are so so many of us humans.
Some all doing the same thing, some doing whatever the hell they want, and then, there are some of us finding ourselves a little torn and a bit stuck in the middle. Here is your chance to get interested, to start talking to people. Not about the fucking weather or how their son is doing in school, speak to them about real things, concerns, information, news, logic. Get a conversation going and light fires in other’s souls, and then your step in a more liberated direction will feel more supported and welcomed. Being scared of ‘something’ is just our minds convincing us otherwise, it will eventually work out if you allow things to fall into the right places, which they will. Leap of faith, quite literally! You want to travel? Start working, saving, planning, and then, just go!
2 years ago my future with walking successfully seemed like a life time away, and my thoughts were blurred with commercialized opium, but I knew eventually, with hard work and real faith in the process, I would end up where I desired. This is true in any area of your life microscopic or catastrophic. If you finish doing those sit ups, you will increase your likely hood of approaching fitness goals faster. If you just work one more overtime shift that can put you a step closer to buying that ticket. If you wake up everyday and tell yourself that today, you will be focusing on forward advancement only, you will. Negative thoughts are as big of a road block as all of your phony excuses. Stop attacking yourselves! You do deserve this! You are worthy of manifesting all beautiful things when the chance presents itself!
Opportunity literally knocks on every door, just be vulnerable and flexible enough to let it enter your world and make the changes you didn’t necessarily anticipate, but end up finding magical.
Sevilla, Spain whipped my ass. She was firey, and sensual, and a little extraño at times. But I think even throughout all the jobs I have had hard or easy, Sevilla taught me how to work. Staying ahead of the game to organize, sensitize and synchronize travels and school and relationships and money and my home university and family drama and EUROPE! It seems simple to me now, but it took practice. After a while and looking back on it, I am incredibly proud of myself and my mental growth.
Travel is the gate to our mental freedom. Sometimes it is uncomfortable, but I’m sure the caterpillar hasn’t much room in that cocoon before she emerges as a mesmerizing miracle.